Im at strip club and am horny
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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