Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
