he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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