you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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