Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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