come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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