The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
