but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
