I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
