Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
