So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
