I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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