Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
