We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
