the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
