she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
