I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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