UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
