she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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