Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
