So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
