Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
