Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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