So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
