I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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