I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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