can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
