She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
