I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It's shark week go big or go home
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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