Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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