Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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