NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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