He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
