apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
