I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
