headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
