We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
