is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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