does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
