four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
