It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
