I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
