So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Watching her eat just hurts me
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
