There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
