thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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