Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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