My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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