I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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