I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
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