I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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