I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
