I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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