i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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