dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
