he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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