How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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