I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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