Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
