Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
