I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
