i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
