the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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