She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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